Unwelcome

I’m feeling a lot of big feelings lately, related to the death of my mom in 2011. Holidays are always tough, any milestone is really. I wrote this poem this past weekend to get some of my feelings out and I share it with you because someone out there on the interwebz may also be feeling hard feelings too. I want to be pithy and wise but right now I’m just tired and angry and sad. Remember the people in your life who have lost a loved one and be gentle with them.

Unwelcome

I thought
that as time went on
that as children grew up
the Mom-shaped hole in my heart
would diminish
would heal
I might have a scar
but the hole would close.
Instead I find
it only increasing
As memories are made without her,
and memories of her fade – her voice and her face are harder and harder to bring to mind these days –
the Mom-shaped hole gets ripped open anew
and the edges are jagged and rough and tender
to the touch.
This part of my grief was unexpected and is unwelcome.
Milestones grow more bittersweet
Holidays can overflow with anguish
as I recall the dishes she made or the words she said.
So many questions will stay unanswered.
So many words will remain unsaid.
Apologies will hang in the air.
Little toddler sticky kisses and hugs
and big kid jokes and sweet loves
won’t be seen or felt.
Of course her love and presence
surrounds me always.
But her absence is felt all the more keenly for it
Some days I wish I was as strong as her love was.